Throughout my life, I have looked at many things as black or white. Adult or child. Married or single. Happy or unhappy. As I get older, I am beginning to realize that life is so much more complicated than that. All of the things I swore I would never do somehow become possibilities when I open my eyes and my heart to them. I am a stubborn soul that does not take change easily so it takes a lot for me to admit that I have had to change myself in order to find what causes peace (and am still working on it). I am writing this to share some of my life experiences and how I have gone from the negative mindset of “I can’t” or “I will never” to the healing and positive mindset of “I will try” while determining the steps needed to make things happen that I did not believe possible.

For those of you who do not know me well, the idea of Never Say Never is a ridiculous one at best. I am extremely closed off to people, things, and experiences. If I could find a way to be a recluse, I would. I say “no” to just about everything. I am a MASTER at avoiding. I avoid avoiding. People invite me to happy hours, trips, and events and I do not go. I either make up an excuse, or I am honest and tell them that my anxiety is just too high in that situation. I do not go on airplanes, yet I also do not like driving long distances. I rarely go in elevators. I avoid buildings higher than 4 floors. I hate mountains yet I also hate wide open flat spaces. The only place I feel relatively at peace is my apartment…specifically my bed. You know that Drake quote “…I only love my bed and my mama I’m sorry”? I relate to that on a molecular level. Going out into the world at night? Nope. I avoid that as much as possible. Concerts and plays? Dear god no. So how dare I create a website like this one? How dare I use the phrase “open up to the world”? Because even though I am not accepting those invitations now, I am actively trying to get to a place where I am willing to accept them in the future. I am tired of sitting around and waiting for meds to fix me. I am no longer accepting that I have anxiety and this is how I am. I have done CBT therapy for years and never could figure out why I could only make so much progress. So I am taking it further. I am completely overhauling my diet. I am working on meditation (my monkey brain is intense). I am exercising more than I have in years. I am taking inspiration from my child who is bravely going into the world and trying things that make him anxious. I am ackowledging that this is a process and that it will take time. I tend to be an “all in” kind of person and once I make a decision I typically go whole hog right off the bat. I am trying to pace myself to some degree so that I am not miserable in the process (I did not pace myself with the diet thing…that was not a good choice and I’m too afraid to turn back now so I’m sorry to my family that has to deal with me during these early days of hunger and irritability). I am going to place my bets on neuroplasticity and the fact that I am still relatively young. I am going to show my child that change is possible, even though it may take time and tremendous energy. I am going to sacrifice TV time to focus on these things (if you know me, you know that’s an immense sacrifice). This project is an outlet for me. It is helping me organize myself and look at my progress. It is keeping me positive. It is giving me something to look forward to. I drive around a lot for work and I’m finding myself moving from brooding on what my struggles and anxieties are to working through this project in my head and formulating what I want to say. That is huge. Thank you for joining me in this effort. I hope you enjoy it as much as I am.