Food

“I’ll never give up [insert name of food here]”. I remember thinking that I would die without bread. And cheese. Actually, I remember saying those things out loud on many occasions. One thing I have learned is that once you feel lousy enough, you will do things you never thought you could or would in order to feel better. So I gave up gluten several years ago to try to positively impact my autoimmune hypothyroid condition. I started rather slowly and told myself I would do it for 30 days. I did feel better since I was eating less processed foods and more whole foods. So I continued…for about 3 years. I was really proud of myself for that. It was not easy. It required energy and restraint. When I reintroduced gluten there was not a huge issue so I started eating it once again. Easy peasy.

Something always nagged me though. Everything I’d read about my condition also emphasized dairy issues. Now let me tell you something…nobody but nobody takes away my cheese. No way. No how. Not happening. I need a lot of protein so cheese and nuts have been my staple for that. Plus…pizza. You can have gluten free pizza. But pizza without cheese…that’s just not ok. So no. I won’t do it. [digging in my heels the way only a stubborn brat can]

But remember above where I said that my perspective can change given how crappy I feel? I saw a new doctor and got a bunch of bloodwork showing inflammation running rampant. The doctor recommended dietary changes that were hard core. And being the all-in girl that I tend to be, I pretty much dropped those foods all at once, especially dairy. Giving up dairy cold turkey was not a great idea. I am not kidding when I say I detoxed. That was a horrible 7-10 days in which I lost 8 lbs. I felt like I had the flu, but without a fever I knew that was not it. [Please note: This is not a cautionary tale. I am not telling you this to stop you from giving up dairy. I am telling you this to tell you to take it slowly] I just plodded through every day hoping that it would get better soon. I was terrified to go back to eating it because I could not go through this again. And it did get better. And it felt amazing. And I had energy! And I was thinner! I thought, “OK…I can do this. I got this.”

Slightly more gradually I gave up all grains (rice, wheat, barley, quinoa), refined sugar, soy, corn, nuts, eggs, potatoes, tomatoes, peas, beans (including green beans), peppers (including black pepper), and what seemed like my will to live.

Bear with me here. If you do not know me well, I need to explain that I am not an overly emotional or sensitive person for the most part. I am not someone that cries a lot. It just isn’t me. I mean I am half German after all. I went through my separation and divorce just doing what needed to be done and managing ever-increasing levels of chaos with a stiff upper lip and firm resolve. I did not have time for a breakdown. So there Goddammit.

Three years later and my life is more stable and manageable than it has been in many years. And I am learning about numbing and the ways that people numb themselves. I’ve never been much of a drinker. I’ve never liked being inebriated very much. I’ve never thought of myself as an addictive personality. So as I start this new food journey minus any comfort food I have ever loved, I am noticing emotions. Giant tsunami waves of emotions. Intense emotions that take me by such surprise every time. Because guess what…pushing emotions aside, does not make them go away. You will eventually have to process all the feels. And once I stopped numbing myself with food, holy shit the feels. I am very grateful that I happened upon this concept of numbing with food during this experience because I was thinking that I was losing my mind. But apparently my mind was really just catching up with me. I am trying to take those feelings. I am trying to go from avoiding and bundling them to harnessing them and riding along with them. I am turning them into creativity and purpose by writing about them. Do not get me wrong, I am also cursing them at every turn. Most importantly, I am talking about them. And then I go and eat some more chicken and zucchini. Again.