Mine

A few days ago I had a break in my day so I went to a thrift store to see what treasures I could find. I came across a large print of a painting that really caught my eye. I have been casually searching for something like this picture for almost 2 years. The portrayal of a forest scene with a creek or a path running through it as well as the use of color made me stand and stare at this item. Since I needed something large to look right with 9-foot ceilings, I was so excited to find this. But that’s when it happened…

That voice happened. That critical, nasty, harsh voice that pops into the head of every person that deals with anxiety and self-doubt. “It’s ugly”. “It will never look right”. “The frame is old and chipped”. “It’s not going to hang right”. “You won’t be able to hang it properly”. “It won’t fit in your car”. “People will know it’s secondhand”. And on and on it went.

I stood back and stared at it. It was really unique. The colors were perfect. I stood there in the middle of the Goodwill Store and had a bit of a moment. Who cares? Who cares if it’s ugly? It’s MY apartment. If I say it looks right, then it looks right. They will know it’s from Goodwill because I am that person who tells people exactly where I got secondhand items and how thrilled I was at their bargain value. I could paint the frame. I could remove it altogether. I could put stickers of rainbows and unicorns on it if I wanted to…because it’s mine. And I’m the one that gets to look at it every day. Who the hell cares? Who am I trying to impress? My 8-year-old who couldn’t care less what art I hang as long as I let him eat pizza every Monday? Nope. The only person that needed to be pleased with this item was me. Mission accomplished. One of the great things about being single is not having to work around another person’s taste in decorating. And I did get it into my car, thanks to years of working at Pier 1 and loading stuff into people’s cars that shouldn’t have fit.

So why was this process so hard? Why did I have to overthink whether I should buy a damn picture for $14.99? I wish I had an answer to those questions. But I am telling myself that the fact that I caught this unwelcome thought process in time is progress. I took the negative self-talk and showed it the door. I embraced any imperfections in this picture and decided to feel pride in it. I will take what appears to be progress and wear it like a badge to show others that I understand their negative thought processes and can walk with them to find a different path (pun intended).

Now, if I could only get this monster hung up…