Mom

Every time I post on Facebook or NSN, I always have in the back of my mind what my parents would think when they read it. It does not necessarily change what I am writing, but it is always a thought. Recently when I launched NSN I had a conversation with them about what kinds of things I would like to write about. My mother wanted me to be sure to tell my readers that she says I am funny. To which I responded that I would LOVE to tell my readers about things she says (while laughing maniacally in my head). She happily gave her permission (*Disclaimer* Busch Light was likely involved in this conversation so there’s that). My first thought was that this option would be comedic GOLD. But the longer I thought about it and tried to pinpoint quotes that would be great to use, the more I came up with some pretty wise verbage.

They are not happy like we are.

Any time we talk about people who are rich or famous or living out enormous dreams, my mom’s response is “They’re not happy like we are”. To which we always roll our eyes. It’s meant as a sarcastic “grass is always greener” type of comment. My family has experienced its fair share of trauma, stress, and pain. Well, more than its fair share of stress. But we are all able to get along and enjoy each other. We are all keeping our heads above water. We are supportive of each other. We make each other laugh…by making fun of each other. So honestly, this is probably true. And a good perspective to have.

Normal is just a cycle in the wash.

My mom realized at an early age that her family life was very different from other kids. So she craved for “normal”. As she got older, she realized that the word “normal” in reference to the human existence is ridiculous. In my work, we try to replace the word “normal” with “typical” since the connotation is different. But people are costantly asking “Is this normal?” That’s when I pull out this gem. I think most people think they are abnormal and wish to be normal…sort of how they wish they were rich and how most moms assume they are bad moms. (See above…and below) I go into enough people’s homes to know that most people’s idea of “normal” family life is not the case in a lot of homes. For example, do you have any idea how many families have one spouse/significant other that routinely sleeps on the couch? The only reason I know this is because soooooo many homes have either a couch that is always set up as a bed or there is always a set of sheets and blankets on the arm of the couch ready to be used. My life is anything but normal. I’m 42 living with a child in an apartment in an area where that is almost taboo. I’m divorced and get along with my ex and his girlfriend. My child has autism and can discuss astrophysics but does not always remember familiar people’s names. Screw normal and the pressure the idea puts on people. Just live your life and embrace your quirks. One way that I try to do that is to use the words that I want to avoid regularly in conversation…divorce, apartment, autism. That stops you from hiding your truth and shows people you’re proud and happy in your situation.

I AM NOT THE MAID!

Mom, I am sorry. I apologize for my laziness as a kid. I get it now. I get that you worked full time and needed more help than I gave you. Thank you for not beating the laziness out of me when I really deserved it. Thank you for teaching me to find something that needs to be done and do it without being told.

Somebody shake the handle on that goddamn toilet!

I don’t really have any wisdom on this one, but she did say it a lot…and it’s funny. And we had a toilet that ran endlessly. Was that normal?

Wish in one hand. Shit in the other. See which one fills up first.

So the credit for this is actually due to my paternal grandmother, but we are discussing maternal wisdom so here it is. If you could see the tiny little 70-88 year-old woman in my memories you would know how hilarious this would have been coming out of her mouth. It makes me wonder where she got it. Message: quit wishing for stuff and be happy with what you have, even if all you have is shit. Don’t we all feel better after a good shit?

We have a plan.

My mother is a retired social worker. She is a problem solver. She knows how to take me in crisis mode and talk me down. One of her best strategies is to talk me through worst case scenarios and figure out a useful plan. I have found myself internalizing that and asking myself what my options are so that my mind is not lost in “what if” land. Everything is more acceptable and manageable when you have a plan.

It’s not “me and [friend]”. It’s “[friend] and I”.

I blame…I mean thank…my mother for my tendency/obsession to strive for correct grammar. My grammar is not perfect, but I like to think that my sentence diagram loving self does well using the English language appropriately. Plus my parents and I share a love for all things British so that helps. I will be damned if my child speaks with a Pittsburgh dialect.

Why yes, I’d love another one.

Any time after about 3 PM, if my father enters a room, my mom hands him an empty Busch Light and sweetly says this. And he gets her a cold one. She deserves it. She has selflessly worked and cared for everyone. She is an amazing mom and has provided me with enough material and craziness to make me funny. So have another one and enjoy!!!