Paths

In the book Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life, Ann Lamott talks about short assignments. The idea is that if you sit down to write a book, it will be too overwhelming and you won’t accomplish it. But if you sit down and just plan to write short amounts, you will be much more likely to achieve the task of writing an entire book. You do not need to know every piece of the book before you write it. You just need to take it little by little. I tell families of young children the same concept all the time. Don’t tell a child to clean up their room. They won’t do it. Tell them to start cleaning with the clothes or to start with the blocks and it becomes a more manageable task. So why don’t I take my own advice?

I think experiencing trauma and stressful life events tends to force us to try to control and predict all aspects of life. It is survival. We try to see 10, 15, 20 steps ahead. But life isn’t like that. Life is more like the path pictured above. You can see the short-term, but the long-term is completely hidden. You can try to zoom in or crane your neck. But you will have to eventually accept that you do not know what is coming next. And trying to control the path in a meadow is about as possible as controling life’s twists and turns.

It is so hard to give up control. But I think you come to a point in your life that you just don’t have the energy anymore. And you realize that it is consuming you. At least that’s the point I am approaching. I am choosing to find ways to let that craving go because it only feeds my anxiety and master-level overthinking. It doesn’t make me feel better like I convince myself it does.

I started working on meditation and mindfulness a while ago. Now I am adding some visualization to the mix to see how that helps. I am not going to lie, my first response to all 3 was “hell no…I hate this”. But recently I was introduced to the idea of fixed mindset (I can’t) versus growth mindset (I’m struggling but I’m working on it) so I am trying to give myself a little credit and a little patience. I don’t want to spend my energy working so hard to make life into what I think it should be. I want to follow the path and imagine the wonders that might be coming instead of dreading what’s ahead. How do you let go of your need for control?