Plans

Before becoming a parent I had worked with children of all ages for over 10 years, with a focus on infants and toddlers for 1 year. I was educated, experienced, and excited about children. I had all sorts of plans when it came to parenting. And all sorts of expectations of what that was going to look like. I would never use a pacifier (“binky” as we refer to it). I would never let my child use technology/screens in early childhood. My child would never sleep in my bed unless he was sick. I was going to rule motherhood!

Another one of my mother’s sayings is that if you want to make God laugh tell Him your plans. I always envision this statement as a human listing out their agenda and some deity turning to an angel and saying the classic “Hold my beer”. In my experience, first-born children tend to be the easy ones (my oldest sibling sat in a corner and read books from about 3 months until present). This is why people have second children. My child did not fit that mold, or any mold to be honest. He is much more like me as a 3rd (and last) child in spiritedness, strong will, sleeplessness, and ambition.

After weeks of naps that lasted 20 minutes maximum and feedings every hour and a half around the clock, I desperately turned to the pacifier. I gave it to him. He spit it out. I coaxed him soothingly. He cried harder. I gave it again. I vaguely remember grunting something to him at 3 AM that may have sounded like “You will take this and you will like it”. He did not do either of those things. I can remember sitting with him in the middle of the night and thinking that if I could just make it to 5 AM I would be OK. Then the sun would start to come up and I could survive. And I was right. I survived. Now when I meet a family in which the child uses a pacifier extensively, I give my talk about the cons of pacifier use in the toddler years and I wait for the mom to be ready to get rid of it. I don’t know what that mom is going through. I don’t know what resolve it will take for her to be ready for the possible shit show that getting rid of it may present. I try to check myself when I get impatient with this. But I also yank that bink out of the child’s mouth every chance I get.

We all know that family that has never used screens to help manage their children. We look at them in awe, not necessarily admiration, but definitely awe. We all know screens are not necessarily good for our children. Much in the same way that fish crackers and hotdogs are not necessarily good for them. Yet here we are. My “no technology” rule was broken well before the first birthday. Tummy time was so hated in my house that I used a DVD of Baby Einstein to get my baby through tummy time and neck stretches. I also used animal and farm phone apps to entertain him during nebulizer treatments that stretched endlessly through the first 2 years. Why? Because it’s a little hard to engage your child while holding them in a position that is necessary for their health. Do not get me started on the switch to the toddler bed. When he climbed over the crib rail and just fell to the floor, I was not about to let that happen every night. But keeping him in a bed was a very large task. I consulted caregivers, therapists, experts, pediatricians, the internet, books, and friends. I followed their tried and true advice. And we were dealing with hours of screaming at bed time. I could not take it. So I used the one thing that usually calmed him down. An iPad. I committed the cardinal sin of child sleep development. I mounted an iPad to the wall to get him to at least go in his bed and stay there. It worked…for a few weeks. Then I found him standing in his bed to see it better. I honestly do not remember what strategy I used after that. I think I blacked out for a few months. Eventually I resorted to lying down with him until he fell asleep. Another thing the experts would cringe at. And I did not care. Because bed time went from 2 hours to 20 minutes. Do what you have to do. Do what makes sense for your life and your family. Will you feel guilty for it? Absolutely. I mean your child will reveal these things in therapy later in life. Some future counselor will gasp at the things I did. But I made peace with my decisions.

An event like a separation/divorce will make you rethink every parenting (and life) decision you have ever made, including where your child will sleep. Because if, during a traumtic experience, your child asks to sleep in your bed to feel safer and more supported, you’ll allow it. It’s temporary (probably) and he’s not going to go to college still sleeping in your bed (hopefully). When he sleeps perpendicular to the bed you will question this decision as well.

So moms of the world, we are an imperfect bunch just clinging to the plans we made as young, patient, well-rested women who have now been shown how far they can be pushed before breaking. We are surviving. The kids are thriving. We are essentially providing them with material for their comedy skits and counseling sessions. And teaching them how to ditch plans.

Please comment with things you never thought you would do as a parent!