Responses
“I’m so sorry!”
“How are you doing, really?”
“Why haven’t you started dating yet?”
“I can’t believe someone would leave you…you’re so nice.”
These are all statements (among others) that separated/divorced people hear from those in active relationships. For most married people, divorce is one of the worst things they can think of. It is terrifying to watch it happen. The statements are coming from caring hearts and from people that want to show support. I was one of those people. I thought that in many instances divorce was a result of not working or caring hard enough. I’m sure I used some of these sentences. I am absolutely sure I have thought all of them. I apologize to anyone that I said these things to. I did not know what else to say. So now I want to help you out with other ways to show your concern.
My response when people say “I’m so sorry” is usually “Don’t be. I’m not”. That usually takes them by surprise. I’m not going to lie…it is hilarious to see the looks I get from that comment. A good response when someone tells you they are experiencing marital struggles might be “tell me about how I can support you during that process.”
When people asked me how I was doing…I knew they were expressing concern. And I appreciated that concern more than they knew. I would have loved to have been honest with them about how I was doing. Except that these expressions of conern were usually taking place in locations like the grocery store. Or staff meetings. They were asked on the sly with a whisper that screamed SHAME. And if I answered them truthfully, I was going to lose whatever cool I had left. I could not afford to let my guard down on my strong persona. So I would plaster the smile on my face and answer positively…again and again and again. Then they stopped asking. They stopped checking in because clearly I was doing great. It is tough to walk the tightrope of being supportive and pitying someone or their situation. My suggestion with this question is something along the lines of “Where do you stand with the divorce process?” or “Can I watch your child(ren) on Saturday so you can have a break?”
Ahhhh the world of dating…There are two kinds of people getting over serious long-term realtionships. There are those who jump into another relationship becasue they do not want to be alone. Then there are those that run away from relationships screaming like their ass is on fire. I fall into the latter. Initially I was, once again, using a fixed mindset of “I’ll never date”. My motto became “Dating is stupid. Marriage is bullshit”. This concept seemed strange to most people. The assumption was that I was lonely and desperate. I mean people need relationships to survive. So without a mate, how could someone live a full life? That depends on how you define a full life. I connect with people. I have close friends and family. I spend all day with people. I am learning to enjoy quiet. I am learning to enjoy my own company. I am writing. I am learning to meditate. I am working on self-care. More than anything, I am learning that the traditional view of meeting a member of whatever sex you’re attracted to, falling in love, getting married, living happily ever after is not a requirement. That even if I meet someone, I don’t have to fit interactions into that mold. And it is powerful to allow myself to break molds such as that one. It is not easy to remind myself that I don’t have to do things the way others do or the way others think I should…but it is powerful and freeing. So my advice for this comment is to ask another person something like “what kinds of things are you doing to take care of yourself?” or “how are you spending your time when your child is with your ex?”
Honest to god, people really do ask how someone like me could be divorced. And honest to god, I kind of thought that way too. Almost like there’s a personality type related to it, like members of a defective club or something. I hate to admit it, but to some degree I held that bias, as do many people. I was wrong. So very wrong. Members of the divorce club are not sad little freaks. Most of us are kicking ass and taking names because we don’t really have a choice. We are survivors. on occasion when someone asks me how this could happen to me, I explain that I’m not as nice and sweet as they think I am and ask if they want to see the horns I hide under my hair. That also wins me some interesting looks. So when you encounter one of our amazing club members, another way to discuss the situtation with them might be “tell me how that has changed you”.
Life events that cause extreme upheaval and levels of chaos are scary to imagine for us because if people you know go through them, then so could you. That kind of thought is always terrifying to confront. However, people who are going through significant and traumatic events, need support and empathy. They do not need sympathy and pity. And they do not need to be set up on a date with your co-worker’s cousin’s accountant. Unless they do in which case…proceed.