Trust

A week ago I sat in a waiting room reading Uniquely Human: A Different Way of Seeing Autism by Barry Prizant and came across a quote that has been on my mind ever since. “The opposite of anxiety isn’t calm, it’s trust.” I cannot stop thinking about that. I have struggled with anxiety my entire life and have felt like calm was this unattainable goal that I was always on a quest to find, much like The Neverending Story, literally and figuratively. Some of my absolute worst panic attacks happened just when I began to calm down from an anxious situation. So trusting calm was never a good idea.

So to think of anxiety versus trust as opposing forces was a complete game changer for me. I have driven around all week analyzing my relationships and experiences and wondering why I have so very little trust in my life (yes, I need a good audiobook to fill the spaces in my head, but bear with me). Where did that trust go? Did I ever really have it? How did I lose it? And how in the world do I get it back?

I think going through something like a divorce takes your ability to trust and throws it out the window. Because the concept you depended on the most as your identity and lifeline is no longer available so you develop this thickened skin of space. Preventing other people from getting too close is the easiest way to distrust them. And God knows I distrust them. I look at interpersonal relationships as chess games. And I hate chess. I hate having to plan several moves ahead at a time to protect myself. I hate strategizing and manipulating to be able to function. It’s exhausting and largely pointless.

Parenting a child with a disability is fraught with distrust. You don’t trust the good times because there is always another meltdown or shutdown waiting when you least expect it. You don’t trust doctors because they contradict each other. You don’t trust teachers because you’ve seen horror stories play out in school districts around your friends’ worlds. You don’t trust the internet because, well shit, please don’t trust the internet. All you can trust is your love for your perfect child. So you just do what you can and meet as many fellow parents as you can.

For decades I have lived a life without trust. I didn’t trust my own body. That led to my picky eating and horrible gut issues. Persistent pain and discomfort due to undiagnosed food sensitivities/allergies will do that to you. When you don’t trust your body, you don’t trust your thoughts. You don’t trust your worth or people’s opinions of you. If you don’t trust people’s opinions of you, they must not be telling you the truth and round and round you go. The only thing that has consistently held my trust was anxiety itself. It was always there in mostly predictable ways. It grew with me. It morphed into a being that I could take with me everywhere I went.

Don’t get me wrong, I have close relationships with family and friends. But I wonder what those relationships will look like as I shift my focus to one of developing more trust. Because that is absolutely what I need to do. That is absolutely what I will do.

Last weekend I took a hike by myself and forced myself to trust the environment and my body to be able to do that. A few days later I expanded that task into a 4 mile hike through a park I was not very familiar with. Looking back, I realize that I had to reverse my trust. I had to let go of trusting anxiety. As I walked I started to panic with all of the same old thoughts. And I gave them a send-off. I announced…I spoke aloud…I may have even shouted “Fuck you, anxiety”. I kept walking. I said it again. And again. For an hour I gave the finger to my panic and anxiety. Likely there were people that could hear me. I hope they have a good story to tell friends. I’m cool with that.

This road is a lot longer than 4 miles. I’ve got 42 years of behavior patterns to rip apart. If anyone needs me, I’ll be working on starting up a collection for my therapist because that woman is not being paid nearly enough.